Dear World:
It’s been a while, too long, since we spoke. A wise man once told me that “there are a million ways or a million excuses.” I’m afraid that today, I’m counting down the excuses.
When I think of my life over these last few months, it’s all a bit of a whirlwind. The monastery. Leaving a job. Stefan’s visit. The holidays. So much has happened, yet when I try to put a name to what I’ve been up to, I can’t say. At the monastery, I learned that it’s okay to have time for yourself to not be productive. To release the pressure of having to do something meaningful or at least high-yielding all the time. When I got back, I felt like a changed woman. Spontaneous, free, letting things come and go, taking time to watch the clouds and the bumblebees float by. Over time, however, I noticed that feeling leaving me. After a while, I felt like I had lost it. During Stefan’s visit, I told him about that lost feeling. Now, a month after he’s gone, I’m realizing that I’m almost where I was before I went to Mount Saviour.
Granted, I’m not planning out my days minute by minute or tracking every step I take. There is still some freedom, a bit of spontaneity. But what I mean when I say “where I was before” is that I’m stuck in the grind. It’s rare when I take a moment to just be. My meditations are spinning with thoughts. If I’m still, doing nothing, it’s probably because I’m sleeping. I’m trying my best to make more time for my art, for writing and photographing. But I think mostly I’m working. Either working at my job, weird hours now with our big holiday sale; or working on doing things for people, like printing things for christmas presents; or working on my side hustles, my eBay store is up and running again and I have a few clients who hire me to watch their cats. The To Do List reigns supreme lately, in the spirit of trying to always be productive, and in the busy-ness of the holiday season. How much I miss those days at the monastery and the following weeks upon my return. It seems I’m struggling with balance right now.
I could spin around the million excuses about why I’ve been absent as if I was eternally going around a rotary. Now it’s time to find the million ways. Time to make the time to be there for my friends, and for myself. To take the time to create, to have a little fun now and then, to catch up with the people who ask me, “where have you been?” A couple of weeks ago I told myself with conviction that I would make the time to go out with my camera at least once every week. So far, I’ve been successful–even if I don’t end up taking any photos, I still put the effort into having a little “me time.” That is Way Number 1. Way Number 2 will be an effort to reach out to the people who care regularly, even if it’s just a quick note to say I’m thinking of them. Way Number 3 will be to try to shift my priorities a bit. It shouldn’t be all work, all the time. I’ll find ways to incorporate that spontaneity and freedom back into my life.
Oh, dear world, awareness is truly key. Until very recently, I didn’t realize I got so caught up in the machine. Thank you for asking me about my absense, causing me to check in with myself. I hope I can be a good friend to you again in the coming days. I will find the ways.
Yours truly,
Sarah